You’d think societies would be evolving and progressing forwards, as the Gods of Evolution intended, but then there is America, which seems to be steadily moving backwards a few giant leaps at a time.
A few days ago, the US Supreme Court announced that they will hear the arguments of two of the American businesses who insist that their religious beliefs do not allow them to provide contraception to their employees as part of the health coverage mandated underObamacare. So? ‘What bad could come of it?’ you may ask.
Let me break it down for you what will happen next. I’m going to make some assumptions, so stay with me.
Year 1 through 8: Considering how long the Supreme Court takes to get anything done and assuming (to simplify the calculations) that half of the 13,000 people employed by Hobby Lobby and the 950 employed by Conestoga Wood Specialties Corp are women, we can expect 6,975 new octomoms by the time the case is resolved – women, whose predicament is decided upon by non other than their generous Christian employer and the wise bald sages on the US Supreme Court.
Year 2 through 10: I’m guessing the Hobby Lobby employees aren’t paid more than they absolutely have to be, as dictated by the big bad government in the form of minimum wage – exactly the kind of people who can afford to be breeding without restraint. These poor women and their unfortunate (and sometimes unwanted) offsprings, once numerous enough, will inevitably become no longer “wealthy” enough to qualify for Obamacare and will have no choice but to downgrade to Medicaid, where instead of their bosses, the government will take the role of dictating their healthcare. Only being able to afford junk food, the size of an average american mom becomes the new Christian-approved contraception.
Year 4 through 12: By that time, the old bald wise Christian men on the Supreme Court have decided that corporations can have religious beliefs and all the rights that come with having them.
Year 5 through 16: More and more “Christian”, “Jewish”, “Muslim” and all the other crazy religions have heard the good news and are all ready to exercise their rights to impose their religious beliefs on everyone else.
- Jehovah’s Witness‘ companies have gotten an exception to strike blood transfusions from their health insurance,
- Eagle Mountain International Church no longer provides vaccinations and everyone has Measles,
- Rev. Bob Larson of the Spiritual Freedom Church provides insurance which covers exorcisms,
- the Westboro Baptist Church health insurance now covers “pray-away-the-gay” therapy,
- the Church of Scientology has managed to have Dianetics covered under Obamacare as a therapy for a number of mental disorders and had some success in marketing their provision to Congress since that’s where it’s most needed,
- all efforts in stem cell research have stopped and no one offers any treatment for AIDS, since both of those are works of the Devil.
Year 10 through 20: By now, the octokids have all reached puberty and are in dire need of some contraception, but they work for some other Christian company, who like Hobby Lobby refuses to offer any. Another generation of octomoms is upon us, and the cycle of octomoms continues.
2025: All progress has stopped. The NASA stands abandoned with broken windows and “Devil Be Gone” graffiti splattered on the crumbling walls. Harry Potter has been outlawed, Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins now have to be referred to as “Them Who Must Not Be Named”. Hospitals are converted to churches, since the only treatment covered by any health insurance still offered is prayer, and America is going to need a lot of it to get them out of this mess. And the terrorists have won without so much as lifting a finger.
ReVerSatire 